When I began my therapy I felt completely helpless. That is how we feel when in the throes of an eating disorder. The father of my 4 month old baby had just left me, I had lost my home and the terror I felt was undescribable. I had 2 choices – I was either going to recover, or I would end up in hospital being force fed.
I was desperate.
I was referred by a psychiatrist to a private cognitive behavioural psychologist in 2000. I had to pay – £60 per hour, so I went back to work and started in therapy.
I quickly learned that my recovery was down to me. Eating disorders are not something we catch, or are born with…they are something we learn.
Yes they do stem from low self esteem, and nobody chooses to have that, but that damage was done, and the only one who could undo it was me.
We all need some help along the way at points in our lives and when we are ready the teacher appears.
We all have a choice – we can continue to suffer or we can take control and decide that happiness is the natural way of being and that we are prepared to work hard to achieve that.
Nobody chooses to have an eating disorder but we all have the choice to make the break and move in a different direction. It takes courage and the desire to let go of many beliefs – but that is good…the beliefs held by those suffering from an eating disorder are not ones you would wish on anybody, trust me.
I used to feel like an object, not a person, the adjectives I used to describe myself with were disgusting, ugly, fat – as though I were describing a despicable object – and that’s how I felt.
I’m way over that now – I love myself and recognise my own perfection – we are all perfect and the natural state of being is to live in harmony with that knowledge – to know that we are spiritual beings first and foremost and that to believe any less of ourselves is sacrilege.
To find out how I recovered please click here.